Biggest Regrets

I regret not seeking help for my bi-polar disorder earlier in life.  I did not suspect that I was bi-polar until I was 18 years old.  I suggested to a parent that I may be bi-polar hoping that I'd receive help, but all I received was denial.  No one wanted to deal with the possibility that someone in the family might need psychological help.  In the years the followed between then and finally receiving help (about 12 years), I made a lot of mistakes, broke a lot of hearts, and did a lot of stupid things.  To anyone negatively impacted that, I am sorry.

I dedicate Hot and Cold to myself.

I regret the way I treated Holly.  I loved her very much and did not understand how much of an asshole I was being.  If I could undo it all, I would.

I dedicate "The Reason" to Holly.

I regret not saying "no" to Susan when she asked me to the prom.  I really wanted to go with Tracy White instead.  I didn't know how to say "no" to Susan because she was my friend.

For Tracy

I regret being a self-absorbed 10 year old when Elenore P., my physical therapist, called to say good bye.  She was moving to South Carolina but I was too busy watching cartoons to speak with her at that moment.  I was only 10, but I deeply regret not speaking with her, to this very day.

Before I married my first wife, my ex-girlfriend, Rosemary L. insisted that we take a ride.  We ended up at a make-out spot in the Blue Hills (near Boston).  She planted a passionate kiss on my lips.  It was clear that she wanted to steal me away from my fiancee.  I didn't let it go past that first unexpected kiss because I was loyal to my fiancee.  I wish I had let Rosemary L. steal me away.  Rosemary was my first love.  After I got married to my first wife, Rosemary died in a motorbike crash in New Hampshire.  Had I dumped my fiancee for her, I think she'd be alive now.

La Playa (The Beach), by La Oreja de Van Gogh, dedicated to Rosemary L. Our first kiss was on the beach, when I was 16 and she was 14.

I regret going to my former friend, Jim C., for advice on women.  He was dating Holly's friend Janice.  Janice and Jim were having a serious sexual relationship.  Near the end of my relationship with Holly, I asked Jim how it is that you know that a woman wants to have sex.  I was depressed about the lack of intimacy between Holly and me.  Jim's advice was, "Sometimes when women say 'No', they mean 'Yes.'"  I began to be more pushy with Holly following his advice.  What I did not know at the time is that Jim wanted to dump Janice and pursue Holly.  His advice was intended to cause problems between Holly and I.  As a person with Asperger's, I had no way of understanding that he was lying to me.

I dedicate this song to Jim, C., the Backstabber.

I regret befriending Bridget, the government agent that infiltrated CISPES.  She caused enormous damage to my life.

I dedicate "Stupid Girl" to Bridget.

I regret not divorcing my first wife when I arrived home from California a day earlier than expected and she responded by calling the police, claiming that someone she did not know was trying to get into the house.  It is my strongest belief that she was covering up for what should be obvious to anyone reading this paragraph.  She was the biggest waste of time, money, and attention in my life.  I deeply wish I had never wasted a minute of my time with her.

Lie to Me, dedicated to my first wife.

I regret not making love to Charlene when she asked me to back in 1980.  She was the daughter of my mother's best friend, we had no condoms, and I feared what would have happened if she got pregnant.  I think I missed out on some major fun.

For Charlene and everyone else I said to "no" to, when I shouldn't have.

I regret not keeping in touch with my best friend, Paul H.

I regret not keeping in touch with my other best friend, Alvaro M.

This last song is dedicated to Paul and Alvaro. The door is open my friends:
steve at anarkhos dot org