Every day but today is yesterday

I have this memory problem that has been plaguing me my entire life. From how other people describe their memories of the past (with expressions like "through the mists of time"), I take it that most people's memories fade. For me, memories do not fade. They remain the same and vibrant, forever. In fact, there is not qualitative difference in my mind between yesterday and the same date 10 years ago, or 20 years ago, or 30 years ago. I remember the days of my childhood like I remember yesterday. When my mind's focus wanders to a past event, all of the emotions, the smells, the sounds, the details, of that past event enter my mind and literally take me back to that moment in time.

You might think this is a great problem to have, but it is terrible. It is an absolute torture. Imagine never being able to fall out of love with anyone. Imagine feeling every pain you've ever felt as vividly as if it happened yesterday. Imagine every loss being as close as yesterday. Imagine how emotionally crowded yesterday would be for you if everything in your life happened yesterday! It sucks.

Yesterday gets thicker and thicker with events and emotions as each day passes for me. Sometimes I want nothing more than to forget every memory and start all over again. At once I am falling in love with my ex-wife and losing her too, losing my cat, losing my dog, losing my ex-girlfriend, gaining my wife, experiencing my daughter coming into the world, losing a past job, finding a new one, experiencing the death of loved ones, ... I could go on and on. The emotional burden is crushing.

I learned sometime back that other people cannot deal with someone that comes back into their life after decades have passed. For me, it was just yesterday that we last spoke. Knowing empirically that others do not see the past the way I do, I resign myself to not reigniting friendships that have long since passed, though to me we were friends yesterday.

There are ways to forget the past. Sometimes I consider undergoing a medical procedure that would weaken my memories, but I fear that I will forget the things I need to earn a living, so I do not follow through. Perhaps one day, when I retire, I will do as my uncle Rony did and weaken my memories. He was much happier after doing so. Perhaps I would be too.